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I've read in a few books and seen on TV the ultimate "bath" phenomenon. You know, where a bunch of dudes are in towels, half naked, receiving massages from other beings with Y chromosomes and coming out refreshed and relaxed. For the first time in my life I actually stepped into a Turkish Bath. What an amazing experience.

After walking around a bit, yesterday we decided to check out the bath. We went to a kind of touristy one, because God only knows what happens to the ones hidden away in dirty alleys. The one we went to is one of the oldest in Istanbul, over 500 years old. Imagine walking down a stone staircase, revealing a giant foyer resembling that of a very nice hotel. We paid for the "number 2" which meant a massage and skin "exfoliation" - that's what Ryan calls it.

We walk into our separate rooms, put on nothing but towels, and walk into this giant sauna like stone walled room, with a dome like ceiling with tiny open holes, and steam and the stench of bodily sweat invading your lungs. In the center of this circular room is a GIANT stone tablet where a bunch of dudes lay down on.

Feeling like this was a cameo in a messed up not-really-heterosexual Vidal Sassoon commercial, we laid down on the hot stone tablet and relaxed. Eventually... it was our turn.

Our turn? Well that basically means the Turkish massagers walking around were ready to individually deal with us. Ryan, Chase, and I immediately were told to lay down on the outer edge of the elevated stone tablet circle, while each dude did what he had to do.

The General process:

1) They take these mittens and scrub the dead skin off of your body
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3) Then they take bags of foam soap and scrub your body down

Ryan and Chase seemed to be doing just fine. Unbeknownst to myself or them that my masseuse was going to be the Turkish version of Jean Claude Van Damme.

Picture a scrawny looking man with balding hair and a moustache. He asked if I was Spanish or Italian, and said American.

"George Bush!"

I quickly and hurriedly shook my head no.

"Bill.... Clinton!"

I quickly and hurriedly nodded my head yes.

"George Bush.... No!!"

I quickly thought of the one new word I learned that day which was perfectly suitable for this situation.

I retorted, "Ananneme!" (translation: Motherf*cker!(

He laughed and smiled. This was a good indication that I wouldn't be murdered.

Or so I thought. All of a sudden the guy starts standing on my back and jumping up and down, contorting my legs in positions they shouldn't normally be in and cracking more bones that I knew I had.


Yeah that was me. The guy would slap me on the back for no reason and treat me like a Turkish Kebab. I felt violated. He kept grabbing my arms and going, "You strong!" I was a bit too revulsed to say anything, so I just nodded and grimaced a bit.

After the treatment I took an extremely cold shower, was doused in a bunch of towels to look like an arab, went back to my bed and just lay there. I felt like a million dollars. A million massaged, exfoliated dollars. What an experience. Ryan and Chase enjoyed theirs, too, but laughed really hard when they saw that my back had footprints on it, and exclaimed, "That was you with the groan-screams?! We thought that was an 80 year old man!"

So women, next time I deride you for wasting hundreds of dollars on pampering yourselves by applying disgusting muds on your face and unexplainable cucumbers over your eyes, recall this one instance where I ventured to the baths of Istanbul, paid for a physical experience with a Turkish man, and left feeling like a different, better person.


Blogger FDSJ said...

exfoliation...save the skin for possible sainthood process!

Sounds like you are doing well. Give my best to Chase and Ryan. I'll be following the blogs. By the way, Woody won the Dodge Challenge. He gets a car for 24 months free leasing. Watch for the Dodge to arrive in Hollywood.

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Hey Joe! I don't know how long your trip is lasting, but i found out i'm doing my peace corps stint in Bulgaria, and i arrive there on august 8th. Let me know if that's when you'll be around the area... if you guys have finished by then, at least give me a list of good places to eat when i get there!
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